personal ramblings

I don’t know, I’ve been in a constant state of up one minute – down the next the past two and a half weeks, and it’s driving me insane. My cigarette consumption has drastically increased as well – and I can’t even blame university, because for now things are going along rather nicely. That is, if the tax office actually manages to get the documents to me on time. But I guess I have too many worries on my mind right now – again, imaging that, none of them university related. Well, not totally.

I think it’s time to clean out some dirt in my life. I’m already starting with the flat. Way too much stuff I’ve collected over the years, and quite honestly I’m not too fond of the idea of carrying around boxes of stuff when I’m moving. Stuff I’d throw out later anyway.

But apart from that, I’m starting to realize that I’m sort of regressing into my old self, something I’m not too fond of. Getting that job was a very good thing, even if it means a major setback as far as university is concerned. But it sort of changed me, managed to increase my self confidence, my sense of self worth… none of which I’ve had before. But somehow these things are slowly crumbling away again. I’m starting to get insecure about the smallest things again, afraid of disappointing others, hiding behind other people. Hell I even felt like a piece of crap after a call with a customer only because she sounded so damn sad after I told her she couldn’t change something of her contract. It was really insignificant, something I usually don’t care about. But it was eating away at me for the entire day. I haven’t seen much of my friends lately – not that they are to blame. They’re busy as hell, or ill.

I just don’t know. There is so much going on in my head, stuff I’d rather not want to think about. But it’s there. I’d rather prefer a migrane, really.

Seriously, just one “fuck you and the horse you rode on in”, that’s all I want to say.

You know, there are times in my life when I’d love to have the courage to stand up and yell “Fuck you!” into someone’s face. And then just walk away and leave that person behind with a smug expression on my face.

Would love to. But that day’ll never come.

Music: Jeff Buckley – Hallelujah

I feel like I’ve accomplished something today. Which is, considering that I’ve been hanging around like a sloth the past few days due to an illness, isn’t all that much.

Anyway.

Your friendly neighbourhood.. neighbour? Friend.. oh so gently reminded me that the homepage is lacking something some people might call content. To which I whole heartedly agree. So, being a good webmaster (cue laughing) I decided to finally do something (official) with the space I’ve been paying for.

Hence me finally throwing my pictures I’ve been taking for the past four years (well, at least some of them) into a neat gallery and putting it online.

I feel as if I’ve accomplished something today.

Si l’hiver n’existait pas
je irais au pole du nord pour trouver de la neige pour toi…
Si l’eau avait le goût du vin,
je nagerais dans l’ocean avec toi.
Si les poissons avaient des ailes,
je les suiverais pour les attraper.

(Translation:
If winter didn’t exist,
I would travel to the north pole to find you some snow…
If water tasted like wine,
I would swim in the ocean with you.
If fishes had wings,
I would follow them to catch them.)
***

I wrote that poem in French class, years ago. I always thought that one day I could dedicate this poem to someone.

But then again, it’d only work if the person in question spoke French and would be interested in sappy poems.

Why didn’t anyone ever tell me how draining emotions can be?

I really don’t like being sick..

I’m sick. Not that kind of sick where you pack a day’s supply of tissue paper and head to work, pushing the mute button to spare your customer from getting blown or coughed in their ears, but the kind of sick where one sits around, all miserable, and just wishes one would drop sideways and die.

First time ever since I’ve been working at the company (good one and a half years now :D ) that I’m getting sick leave. How the hell do I explain to the doctor that I don’t want any prescriptions because I have an entire cupboard filled with medication, but still need the sickness leave? :D Ah, perhaps I’ll keep the prescription. Drugs are always good.

Long story short. I’m sick, I feel miserable, I just want to curl up and die, and right now, bed sounds like a damn good idea. Which leads me to the question: What the hell am I still doing here? Oh yes. CURSING VISTA YOU GODDAMN SONOFABITCH.

.. Feeling marginally better now.