personal ramblings

I don’t know, I’ve been in a constant state of up one minute – down the next the past two and a half weeks, and it’s driving me insane. My cigarette consumption has drastically increased as well – and I can’t even blame university, because for now things are going along rather nicely. That is, if the tax office actually manages to get the documents to me on time. But I guess I have too many worries on my mind right now – again, imaging that, none of them university related. Well, not totally.

I think it’s time to clean out some dirt in my life. I’m already starting with the flat. Way too much stuff I’ve collected over the years, and quite honestly I’m not too fond of the idea of carrying around boxes of stuff when I’m moving. Stuff I’d throw out later anyway.

But apart from that, I’m starting to realize that I’m sort of regressing into my old self, something I’m not too fond of. Getting that job was a very good thing, even if it means a major setback as far as university is concerned. But it sort of changed me, managed to increase my self confidence, my sense of self worth… none of which I’ve had before. But somehow these things are slowly crumbling away again. I’m starting to get insecure about the smallest things again, afraid of disappointing others, hiding behind other people. Hell I even felt like a piece of crap after a call with a customer only because she sounded so damn sad after I told her she couldn’t change something of her contract. It was really insignificant, something I usually don’t care about. But it was eating away at me for the entire day. I haven’t seen much of my friends lately – not that they are to blame. They’re busy as hell, or ill.

I just don’t know. There is so much going on in my head, stuff I’d rather not want to think about. But it’s there. I’d rather prefer a migrane, really.

Seriously, just one “fuck you and the horse you rode on in”, that’s all I want to say.